I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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