I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
