If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
