If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
