Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
