Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
