Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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