She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
