im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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