Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
