Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
