the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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