Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
