when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
