I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
