My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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