My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
