Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
