You don't have asthma, your pregnant
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
