the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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