when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
