It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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