He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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