The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
