No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
we're so committed to being not committed
You ruined the universe
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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