You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
