But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
