actually, I'm a sock model
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Randomize
