I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
