No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
