dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
