I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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