well I can't set my house on fire every night
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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