I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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