i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
