i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
