He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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