Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
