Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
