I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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