Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
