When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
