We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
