He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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