So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
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At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
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Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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