sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
