your parents love me but you hate me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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