There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
