she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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