I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?