Define "chronic" masturbator.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
