Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.