you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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