Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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