Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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