What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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