I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dear god my vagina.
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