I haven't been this sober since birth.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
